Penny's coming out story
Wednesday 7 June 2006
If you're gay, coming out and admitting it to others can be hard.
n2k reader Penny, 16, tells us what it was like when she admitted she'd fallen for one of her mates and how the experience made her stronger.
First feelings
I can't truly pinpoint the exact day or hour when it started, when I began to like Sara. I go to an all-girls school, and my social life is fairly limited, I didn't know any boys at all but had quite a few good friends in the school.
We were friends, made each other laugh and each time I'd catch a glimpse of her green eyes, defined by the black eyeliner, my stomach would jolt. Of course I never truly realised this until some time later.
Thinking of her
Over the Christmas holidays, I kept thinking of her. I kept disregarding it as a phase, or something that was just my way of getting attention, but eventually the thoughts got more and more persistent.
Time to come clean
Eventually, I decided to tell her. I came back, and we were in a history lesson. We were passing notes and she asked why I cried. I told her I was in love with someone I shouldn't be. She asked if it was a girl, to which I replied 'yes'. She reassured me, told me there were lots of girls 'like me' and that it was fine as long as I didn't act upon it.
When the lesson finished she hugged me and asked me who it was and I told her it was her. Things went downhill, very fast. I was cast out of her social group, she refused to look at me, and soon the whole school knew.
Out of reach
I made different attempts to reach Sara, to tell her that it didn't mean anything, that I'm still the same person ,that I would do nothing like kiss her and I only thought she deserved to know. I cried all the time, but she pushed me further and further away.
In the summer holidays, I tried to make my peace. I approached her, trembling, and she wouldn't listen; she kept talking to other people and not seeing me. I left it.
Back to school
I came back to school and soon began to isolate myself again and go eat lunch in the toilets. The rumours had stopped, but the after-effects were still there and it still hurt.
At this stage now, I am still unsure about my sexuality. If someone asks if I'm a lesbian I reply 'no', which isn't truly lying because I'm bisexual or just simply curious and open minded.
No regrets
I don't regret having confessed, at all, even after all the bad stuff that happened. What I did was what I considered to be right, and I am proud of that. It showed me who my friends truly are and it showed me how shallow and narrow-minded people can be.
Stronger
If you are unsure on what you want to do, I say do what's in your heart, and it will be the right choice. You want people to accept you for who you are, not who they expect or want you to be. And if they can't do that, then they are not worth it.
If you are alone, and you can still manage, they are scared of you. They can't see how someone can survive on their own, but I made it, and now I stick up for what I believe is right.
I have written speeches about homophobia in schools, which just totally shut them up.
Final thought
Have courage. It will work out in the end. You will feel the satisfaction of being true to yourself and that is the most special thing in the world, nobody can take that away from you.
Names have been changed.
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