Dealing with grief
Tuesday 20 May 2008
Losing a parent or a loved one is always painful and can be particularly so when you are young. n2k looks at ways to cope with grief and also answers some of your comments.
When you’re young
The chances are that for a teenager, a death will be the first experience of loss. This makes it all the more difficult to cope with.
Also, as a teenager you live for the present not the future. You rarely even think about your own mortality – after all you are young so why should you have to? Experiencing a death can really cause confusion when you have not even considered the future.
As a teenager your body is also going through all sorts of hormonal changes. Add to that the emotional turmoil of grieving and it can be a very a difficult time indeed.
What is grief?
Grief is the response you experience as a result of loss. This could be emotional – sadness, anger, disbelief, despair and even guilt and relief are responses that may come with grief.
“i feel guilty for not doin much for mum….mum died last year i even miss her now soooo much”
Sometimes there may also be a physical response to grief such as lethargy, headaches, stomach upset, nausea, loss of appetite, not sleeping well or remembering things. There is no normal response to loss and it can be very different from person to another. Read more about the feelings you might experience.
When will it stop?
“the way I feel now, nothing seems to help.”
Unfortunately there is not fast track to getting over the death of someone close, all you can do is take it a step at a time and be patient with yourself.
“i want something that can ease the pain i feel right now.”
Grieving is a process and no one can say how long that process will last. What we do know is grieving is crucial to help deal with a loss. The pain may seem agonizing, you probably cannot even imagine ever being happy again, but things do slowly get better over time.
You’re not alone
“How to deal with such hurt feelings? Loneliness, being the hardest.”
Always remember you don’t have to deal with this on your own. Try speaking to other members of your family about how they are feeling, and try talking about how you feel too - that way you get to share your feelings and perhaps not feel so alone. There are plenty of helplines that will listen too.
Step by step
Focusing only on the grief may only make it worse. Instead try to set little goals for yourself. They can be small steps every day such as calling a friend or going for a walk. As time passes the steps can get bigger –going to an event or starting a project. Also, exercise is a good way to deal with stress and emotions.
Focusing on the happy times you spent with that person can also help with grief. Try to find ways to remember someone in a way that is meaningful to you. It might be just writing little memories in your diary or it could be more obvious gestures like planting a tree in their memory. Creating a photo album or remembrance book can also help you focus on the happy times with that person.
Back to normal?
When it’s time to go back to school or college again some people experience a sense of loneliness. You might also feel a little isolated or different from everyone. That’s a normal way to feel and it might take a little while to readjust.
If you feel like some people might be avoiding you, don’t take their discomfort as a sign they don’t care, often others just don’t know what to say. They may want to reach out but not having experienced similar feelings themselves they may not know how to.
It can help to be open about your experience but only if you feel comfortable doing so.
If you have a friend who has experienced loss don’t be afraid to ask them how they feel and then listen without trying to fix anything – just be a good ear.
The future
“I realised that I'm not alone in the way I'm feeling and that looking to the future is a good way of coping.”
Eventually grieving leads to a point where you can continue with life. This doesn’t mean that you forget the person. On the contrary it often means finding a way to hold onto what you loved about the person and keeping that in your memory to help you to find joy in life again.
If you would like to talk to someone you can call or email RD4U free on 0808 808 1677 Monday - Friday, 9:30 am - 5:00 pm, or the Childline Helpline on 0800 11 11 which is open 24 hours a day.
