Divorce
Thursday 1 May 2008
Last year there were 132,562 divorces in the UK. Divorce is a big issue and if it happens it can be a difficult time for your parents and for you. So what are the ins and outs of divorce?
What is divorce?
Divorce is when a married couple officially end their marriage. However even if your parents aren’t married and they split up, the situation will affect you pretty much the same way.
There could be many different reasons for deciding on divorce, but the important thing to realise is that it rarely has anything directly to do with you, but about two people who no longer want to be a couple.
I don't want them to divorce
Divorces are not an easy time, however if your parents have decided that's what they want, you should try to take a deep breath and accept their decision.
You and your siblings will have been a huge factor in their decision making process, but in the end divorce is about the relationship between your parents. It’s important to remember that their feelings towards you won’t change because they are no longer together.
First steps
To start divorce proceedings, one parent must apply for a petition at the County Court, which is a form they fill in explaining why they want a divorce. As the law stands, there are five categories for one or both of your parents to explain why they can no longer remain husband and wife. They are:
- If both parents have lived apart from each other for at least two years, and both of them want the divorce.
- If they've been separated for five years, even though one parent doesn't want to get divorced.
- If one parent has deserted the other for at least two years.
- If one parent has behaved unreasonably towards the other, (such as physical abuse or because of a problem with drugs, alcohol or gambling)
- If one parent has committed adultery, (had a sexual relationship with someone else).
However, in Northern Ireland the law only recognises one basis for divorce, and that is if the marriage has irretrievably broken down - which basically means nothing can be done to save it. Also, couples cannot begin divorce proceedings unless they have been married for at least two years.
The process
Once the petition has been made for a divorce, your parents will have the opportunity to sort the details/arrangements without having to involve a judge. In some districts they may be referred to the court welfare service, or to a local out-of-court service. They will then be offered a mediator – someone to help them work out the details fairly of the divorce in a fair way.
If your mum and dad manage to agree on every issue, and you're happy with the arrangements from your point of view, then the whole process can be relatively easy. The court hearing is then just a matter of procedure, and the divorce itself can be mostly done by post. If they disagree on various issues, the process will take a bit longer and a judge will rule on who gets what and other arrangements.
Changes and choosing
Your parents divorcing will mean that there’s likely to be a lot of changes to you and your family at first, but things will settle down, and it won’t be as weird as you think. By law, you are entitled to have your opinion taken into account with regards to who you live with.
When considering it you should talk to them both about how you want things to be, especially the arrangements to see the parent that you don’t end up living with on a more permanent basis. Make a list of pros and cons of living with both, give the decision lots of thought, and trust your instincts.
Dispute over you
If your parents disagree about which of them you'll be living with, or about how often you can get to see the other one, then the judge will make a court order - a ruling concerning your welfare.
Before making this ruling the judge will take into consideration what you have to say on the matter. Both parents will be ordered to honour the judge’s decision until you've finished full-time education or reached the age of 18.
Fresh start
It might be hard to see it now, but the divorce is likely to mean that both your parents will be happier, so you probably will be too. But in the meantime, don’t be ashamed to borrow your mates’ shoulders to cry on – that’s what they’re there for.
If you don't feel you can speak to your friends then remember you are never alone! There are many friendly voices on various help lines that can listen and advice you including Childline on 0800 1111.
